Month: July 2026

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Wildlife

On a lighter note…

One of my favorite things about living here is the wildlife that frequents my backyard. I was surprised to see so much of it when we moved here because it’s not a particularly woodsy area. It’s a relatively built up cluster of subdivisions – not as bare as our neighborhood in Maryland, but still pretty suburban.

In addition to the more expected birds and squirrels, our regular visitors include foxes, deer (including summer fawns!), raccoons, and bunnies. Once this summer and once last summer, I found gorgeous Polyphemus moths.

The birds vary widely, from mourning doves and woodpeckers to cardinals and blue jays, not to mention whole flocks of geese, a pair of ducks, and the occasional hawk (or falcon?). My favorite would have to be the whimsical little Eastern Bluebird.

I was delighted in the past several days to see a single hummingbird and a lone monarch butterfly. The hummingbird hovered outside my window for at least a full minute, vibrating softly as we held each other’s gaze. I hardly ever see hummingbirds or butterflies around here, so I consider these recent reveals a good omen!

My cats, who I know I shouldn’t allow outside but I do, mostly watch placidly, but on a few occasions they got brazen and chased both fox and deer out of their turf, with me bolting out the back door shouting “What are you thinking?” or “Don’t you dare!”

What they think they’d do if they actually caught up to the poor critters is something I try not to ponder too heavily. It would not end well for the cats, I’d wager…

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Late July

When I was pregnant last fall, my due date was Late July. Chuck and I joked about announcing the pregnancy with a bag of Late July chips, a vegan, Dorito-like derivative packaged in bright lime green, and a favorite snack in this household.

The subconscious – and now conscious – realization that if I hadn’t miscarried that Christmas Eve, I’d be a mom of two boys right now is surely one source of my nebulous mental state this week, as I toss out yet another negative pregnancy test.

And it’s not just that. We are officially less one year from leaving Missouri, but we don’t know where to next. The dance fitness studio that had brought me movement, joy, and community just closed down for good, mere months after I found it. I have no real plans coming up – no trips, get-togethers, or visitors.

I finished the book I was reading. Finished the show I was watching.

Work may not be all that engaging but it’s fine and I’m grateful, but also… meh.

I’m left with a restless feeling of “what’s next?” that weighs nearly as heavily as this intense summer heat.

I’ve taken care of the easy ones first. After much indecision, I settled on my next book. Found my next show. I’m back to my daily walks, even if it’s soupy outside.

I’m pondering whether it’s worthwhile to squeeze in a summer trip to the Lake, but can’t seem to garner the focus to make decisions and book it.

I’m working on getting my anxiety under control. It’s not crippling, but it’s distracting and definitely not conducive to a healthy reproductive life.

Truly though, I worry that I’m so caught up in my uncertainties and busy fretting about what’s next that I’ll lose my ability to be present in what I have. I have a lot of wonderful blessings and a beautiful life. Why am I feeling so unsettled? Perimenopause?

Seriously though.