Life & Love

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Fresh Thyme

An unexpected upside to my dance studio shutting down is I can now comfortably return to grocery shopping in-person at a regional market called Fresh Thyme, which is basically a cheaper, local Whole Foods or Sprouts.

I used to show up weekly on Tuesday mornings, when it’s quiet and freshly stocked. The staff is incredibly friendly and we all came to recognize each other by face, if not by name (though I was getting there with a few names.)

I stopped going in-person when I started escaping my office two mornings per week to go to Bloom. I felt guilty taking a third morning away from my desk, so I started shopping primarily via delivery apps.

Today, I went back in-person and was so happy to see those familiar faces. They grinned and said, “Welcome back!”

“Where have you been?”

“What are you looking for? I’m opening new boxes.”

“Those are your kid’s favorite now? That’s an upgrade from the peanut butter snacks he loved before!”

Seriously, he remembered that Taj loves peanut butter pretzels. I had to have asked him about those nearly a year ago!

Even if I don’t make fast friends here in Missouri, familiar faces and ritual smiles of recognition are the next best thing.

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Wildlife

On a lighter note…

One of my favorite things about living here is the wildlife that frequents my backyard. I was surprised to see so much of it when we moved here because it’s not a particularly woodsy area. It’s a relatively built up cluster of subdivisions – not as bare as our neighborhood in Maryland, but still pretty suburban.

In addition to the more expected birds and squirrels, our regular visitors include foxes, deer (including summer fawns!), raccoons, and bunnies. Once this summer and once last summer, I found gorgeous Polyphemus moths.

The birds vary widely, from mourning doves and woodpeckers to cardinals and blue jays, not to mention whole flocks of geese, a pair of ducks, and the occasional hawk (or falcon?). My favorite would have to be the whimsical little Eastern Bluebird.

I was delighted in the past several days to see a single hummingbird and a lone monarch butterfly. The hummingbird hovered outside my window for at least a full minute, vibrating softly as we held each other’s gaze. I hardly ever see hummingbirds or butterflies around here, so I consider these recent reveals a good omen!

My cats, who I know I shouldn’t allow outside but I do, mostly watch placidly, but on a few occasions they got brazen and chased both fox and deer out of their turf, with me bolting out the back door shouting “What are you thinking?” or “Don’t you dare!”

What they think they’d do if they actually caught up to the poor critters is something I try not to ponder too heavily. It would not end well for the cats, I’d wager…

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Late July

When I was pregnant last fall, my due date was Late July. Chuck and I joked about announcing the pregnancy with a bag of Late July chips, a vegan, Dorito-like derivative packaged in bright lime green, and a favorite snack in this household.

The subconscious – and now conscious – realization that if I hadn’t miscarried that Christmas Eve, I’d be a mom of two boys right now is surely one source of my nebulous mental state this week, as I toss out yet another negative pregnancy test.

And it’s not just that. We are officially less one year from leaving Missouri, but we don’t know where to next. The dance fitness studio that had brought me movement, joy, and community just closed down for good, mere months after I found it. I have no real plans coming up – no trips, get-togethers, or visitors.

I finished the book I was reading. Finished the show I was watching.

Work may not be all that engaging but it’s fine and I’m grateful, but also… meh.

I’m left with a restless feeling of “what’s next?” that weighs nearly as heavily as this intense summer heat.

I’ve taken care of the easy ones first. After much indecision, I settled on my next book. Found my next show. I’m back to my daily walks, even if it’s soupy outside.

I’m pondering whether it’s worthwhile to squeeze in a summer trip to the Lake, but can’t seem to garner the focus to make decisions and book it.

I’m working on getting my anxiety under control. It’s not crippling, but it’s distracting and definitely not conducive to a healthy reproductive life.

Truly though, I worry that I’m so caught up in my uncertainties and busy fretting about what’s next that I’ll lose my ability to be present in what I have. I have a lot of wonderful blessings and a beautiful life. Why am I feeling so unsettled? Perimenopause?

Seriously though.

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Bloom

Want to know something that had me smiling mid-pant, mid-sweat, during a cardio dance workout?

A (grand)matronly older woman booty-popping and mouthing the lyrics to Britney & Rihanna – right next to me, a lanky mom in her 40s who can’t fully shake her rigid balletic roots, attempting to twerk while also mouthing the same raunchy lyrics.

We’re a motley crew at this dance studio I’ve come to love in just a few short weeks. I’ve been disconnected from dance – one of my earliest, truest loves – for nearly two decades, and we’ve been in Missouri for almost a year and a half, with no real friends or community to show for it.

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You don’t need certainty yet…

… just curiosity and willingness to follow what feels alive.

So says my Spring Equinox tarot card reading – especially my jumper card, the Page of Wands.

My Equinox oracle card – the reversed Possum and the Peony, representing bashfulness – tells me that, while I’ve recently been shaken (perhaps by turmoil or a disorienting change), I am now ready to stand on my own two feet. My period of retreat and solitude, though healthful for a time, should probably wrap up while I work to ensure that my anxiety doesn’t control me.

Anyway. Hi. I’m back!

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The Perfect Whole

“Beauty through my senses stole / I yielded myself to the perfect whole.”

Does anyone else find themselves increasingly disinterested in buying or picking flowers, only to watch them lose their luster, cloistered from the sun and the rain? During the angst of 2020, I read a poem by my man Ralph Waldo Emerson that spoke to this preference to immerse myself in Nature, rather than to package her up and take her home. In “Each and All”, he speaks of capturing the bird from the forest, and removing the shell from the shore, only to realize that — without the context of their natural surroundings — they suddenly please him less.

Around this time, I spotted an enormous, beautiful maple leaf on the grounds of the Virginian countryside resort where Chuck and I spent our 10-year wedding anniversary. It was glistening from a recent rain shower. I picked it up and brought it to our room, then went about my day. Hours later, it had dried and sat looking lonely and crispy on the bedside table. Removed from the lush, dewy grass, the cool, misty air, it had suddenly lost its magic. I thought of Emerson’s poem, then.

I haven’t picked a flower or brought a seashell home since! These days, I prefer to meet them where they are – in the wild 🙂 

Nothing is fair or good alone.
I thought the sparrow’s note from heaven,
Singing at dawn on the alder bough;
I brought him home, in his nest, at even;
He sings the song, but it pleases not now,
For I did not bring home the river and sky; —
He sang to my ear, — they sang to my eye.
The delicate shells lay on the shore;

The bubbles of the latest wave
Fresh pearls to their enamel gave;
And the bellowing of the savage sea
Greeted their safe escape to me.
I wiped away the weeds and foam,
I fetched my sea-born treasures home;
But the poor, unsightly, noisome things
Had left their beauty on the shore,
With the sun, and the sand, and the wild uproar.

Beauty through my senses stole;
I yielded myself to the perfect whole.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
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New Loves

I posted this image mostly because I love squirrels.

This is a rather new found love. Although I’ve always been an animal lover overall, squirrels didn’t necessarily make the cut at the top five — or even top ten — of animals with which I thought I would form a special bond. This is due in part to the fact that the last few places I lived, squirrels weren’t a part of the surrounding fauna. Here in the big city, they’re basically the entirety of local wildlife, and I can’t tell you how much joy they’ve brought me in this depressing year.

I also posted this image because the text is true. In fact, it’s underselling the extent to which I have blessings to count. This year has been hard for all of us, but my blessings are large and abundant. Not even remotely small.

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Morning Lark

I recently learned a rather poetic way of describing morning people vs. night people – are you an owl, or are you a lark?

While I’m not quite a night owl these days, I always wished I was a morning lark. I do enjoy mornings – once I’m already up. I struggle to get myself out of bed, and for no good reason. I get plenty of sleep, have very little to burden me in terms of responsibilities (i.e., no kids or dogs), and overall I am a healthy person. But when that alarm goes off, I just want to snooze some more. Five more minutes please!

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Starfish Wishes & Mermaid Kisses

It’s cliché but true – the ocean does wonders for both the body and soul.

When I lived in California, Okinawa, and North Carolina, I knew I took it for granted that I lived by the sea. I knew I would miss it when it was gone. I always appreciated it, and realized how special it was, but by the time I hit the one-year mark of living in DC, I was craving salty air and sandy toes something fierce.

Of course, the global pandemic has made every potential getaway more complicated and guilt-ridden than before. But when Chuck’s parents said they wanted us to join them for a few days in Kill Devil Hills, NC – and promised they felt comfortable exposing themselves to our cooties to such a degree – of course I jumped at the chance to escape.

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Earth-Proud, by Emerson

One of my favorite quotes of all time is by my man, Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Earth laughs in flowers.” You can find it all over my social media profiles, and I even considered getting it tattooed somewhere on my body, I love it that much.

I’m sure no one is surprised, given my incessant floral photography and love for both Earth and laughter. I don’t even know how I found it, originally – probably on Pinterest, or something extra #basic like that. Although I knew it was an Emerson gem, I had only ever seen it standing alone — never within the context of a larger piece of writing. Until now!

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