Author: Nikki J.

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Flustered…

Confession: I follow Playboy on Instagram. Of all the “smut” magazines out there, I can handle Playboy and find their shoots sexy and creative. I enjoyed watching “Girls Next Door” and I’m fascinated by the organization from a sociological perspective, too (in both good and bad ways.) I know it’s weird and contradictory…but…. Ugh. So, sue me.

Now that that’s out of the way… I was scrolling through my feed when I noticed the following post:

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I got pretty excited, because it’s not often you see a fair-skinned beauty featured in Playboy.

But then, I noticed the comments.  I know there are always going to be haters and your occasional obnoxious remark, but the comments directed at Miss Kassielyn were almost exclusively critical…and hateful.  I seriously couldn’t believe my eyes.

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Now, anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I’ve dealt with major insecurities for being skinny and pale, and that I can’t really help either. Both are genetic. I’ve been taunted for both, and called unattractive for both – more or less subtly.  Just as I smiled with happiness that a different kind of sexy was gracing the Playboy name (more associated with curves and golden glows), I got that old pit in my stomach that I get when I feel unattractive and inadequate.

I realize I shouldn’t put so much emphasis on physical appearance, but our culture is saturated with it (as are most cultures, with varying definitions of beauty.) We all have a particular standard of “sexy” shoved down our throats – it’s unavoidable, and of course, very few of us match.

I also recognize the danger of the “thinspo” subculture and am definitely not trying to promote any one body type over another, but it’s discouraging to watch my type get virtually trampled under everyone’s smartphone-wielding finger-feet… especially since I am healthy and not doing anything wrong. And it’s certainly not the first time!

I was seriously about to email the screenshot of the model to Chuck and say “It’s good to see a pale girl in Playboy!” before I saw that apparently, it is still considered ugly or gross to be pale and skinny after all…

And for the record, I am aware how silly this may sound (normally, it’s good to see a curvy model in most magazines, etc), but it just goes to show you how there are always two sides to every coin. If people could only think twice about being so critical!

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I can’t decide…

…if I want to go to my high school reunion in DC or not (ugh, has it really been 10 years?!) High school wasn’t the happiest time for me, so a part of me really doesn’t want to revisit anything about it.

On the other hand, there is another part of me that is curious and perhaps seeking some sort of redemption from those days. I’m not sure redemption is the right word… but I’m just a different person now. Perhaps I can assume all my classmates are, too? I can’t pretend I didn’t learn anything during those years – academically, socially, and personally.

Could give me something to do at least! And there is a handful of girls I wouldn’t mind seeing again.

“One’s life, viewed as a whole, is always the answer to the most important questions. Along the way, does it matter what one says, what words and principles one chooses to justify oneself? At the very end, one’s answers to the questions the world has posted…are to be found in the facts of one’s life.

Who are you? What did you actually want? What could you actually achieve? At what points were you loyal or disloyal or brave or a coward? And one answers as best one can…but that’s not so important. What’s important is that finally one answers with one’s life.”

– Embers, Sandor Marai

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What a dreary day today! I stayed in bed with the Bean till 11:15 this morning, because a) I can, and b) what else is there to do? I must say though – it was kind of nice, and Annie sure enjoyed it. I got a few fleeting and choppy moments over Gmail with Chuck while I ate breakfast. I can’t decide if those choppy moments are worth it, or if I’d just rather wait to hear from him when we can actually have an uninterrupted conversation.

It’s supposed to rain all day, so I may try to work out and clean. Or, maybe I’ll just continue to do nothing 🙂 There’s a women’s social at Chuck’s old Captain’s house tonight that I plan on showing up to, if it’s not too gross.

Tomorrow is supposed to be 62 and sunny (YES!) so I’m thinking I will take Annie to the beach in the afternoon. Gotta get her annual beach trip in before the tourists come! 🙂 She’s so funny at the beach!