Author: Nikki J.

Just booked my trip to Playa del Carmen to serve as a bridesmaid in my friend Amanda’s wedding in September! I was realizing earlier this week how much I miss being in a big city, where travel plans are so much easier to deal with (tiny airports are such a pain in the tushy!) but I figured it out and now I feel so much relief to have it pretty much squared away and official.

I’ve only been to Playa once, on a cruise-stop, so 3 days will be so much better. I’m sad Chuck can’t come, but two of my close girl friends will be there, plus the bride of course – so I’m looking forward to a fun Labor Day getaway 🙂

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I know this is going to sound reallyweird, but do you ever get annoyed with yourself and want to suppress/change your personality? There’s this girl I know who everyone likes hands down, but there’s really not much to her (that she shows, anyway.) She’s “boring”, but so sweet and completely non-controversial, so everyone just automatically thinks what a nice person she is. She has this universal appeal. I know I am fascinated by her and want to be just like her… but I am most definitely not.

Sometimes I wish I’d stay more mysterious and unassuming. Keep more to myself and just be nice to people. Suppress any urge to express or take the lead – stay under the radar. Hold back on sharing so many updates (i.e., Facebook.) Cut back on doing things that attract attention – increase anonymity. Discuss things (and people!) less. Give people less reason to formulate opinions about my life and decisions, by keeping them my business instead of everyone else’s.

Blah, blah, blah.

Sometimes, the more I share, the more exposed I feel. To good things, and to bad things – if that makes any sense. I almost get self-conscious when people know too much about me… as I blog away about it here, ha.

Just a random, silly thought on a boring, windy afternoon!

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The Shopping Bug Lurks

I have this sudden urge to go replace all my make-up, for no reason other than I’m bored with what I have, and I keep seeing new things I want to try. I’m waiting for the same urge to come with clothes – since the arrival of spring tends to do that to me. I must stay strong. I’ve been doing so well!

Bad news bears…

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Culinary Delight #10: Mini Brownie Cupcakes with Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Frosting

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a recipe – because it’s been a while since I’ve actually cooked anything interesting! Some friends were noting my lack of baked goodies recently, but there just hasn’t been the same surplus of time and energy now that I’ve started working full time. Of course, losing one of my biggest consumers to Afghanistan hasn’t helped motivate me to get in the kitchen, either! But this weekend I decided to pull out the apron again.

I modified a brownie recipe to a cupcake recipe (of course.) I say use whatever brownie recipe you like – whether boxed or from scratch – and make them towards the cakier side (more eggs, and milk instead of water.) After spooning the batter into a mini-muffin tin, I dropped a mini Rolo or mini Reeses cup in the center, for a little something different! I always like little caramel or peanut butter surprises in my cupcakes.

The Frosting is what was truly unique though!

Beat 1 (softened) stick of unsalted butter with 3/4 cup of light brown sugar until creamy. Mix in 1/2 cup of flour (for a doughy consistency) and 1.5 cups of powdered sugar. Add 1 tsp of vanilla and 1 tsp of molasses. Add heavy cream (or half n’ half) until you get the desired consistency, or to thin if necessary.

Gently fold in mini chocolate chips, and frost your cooled cupcakes!

 

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Flustered…

Confession: I follow Playboy on Instagram. Of all the “smut” magazines out there, I can handle Playboy and find their shoots sexy and creative. I enjoyed watching “Girls Next Door” and I’m fascinated by the organization from a sociological perspective, too (in both good and bad ways.) I know it’s weird and contradictory…but…. Ugh. So, sue me.

Now that that’s out of the way… I was scrolling through my feed when I noticed the following post:

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I got pretty excited, because it’s not often you see a fair-skinned beauty featured in Playboy.

But then, I noticed the comments.  I know there are always going to be haters and your occasional obnoxious remark, but the comments directed at Miss Kassielyn were almost exclusively critical…and hateful.  I seriously couldn’t believe my eyes.

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Now, anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I’ve dealt with major insecurities for being skinny and pale, and that I can’t really help either. Both are genetic. I’ve been taunted for both, and called unattractive for both – more or less subtly.  Just as I smiled with happiness that a different kind of sexy was gracing the Playboy name (more associated with curves and golden glows), I got that old pit in my stomach that I get when I feel unattractive and inadequate.

I realize I shouldn’t put so much emphasis on physical appearance, but our culture is saturated with it (as are most cultures, with varying definitions of beauty.) We all have a particular standard of “sexy” shoved down our throats – it’s unavoidable, and of course, very few of us match.

I also recognize the danger of the “thinspo” subculture and am definitely not trying to promote any one body type over another, but it’s discouraging to watch my type get virtually trampled under everyone’s smartphone-wielding finger-feet… especially since I am healthy and not doing anything wrong. And it’s certainly not the first time!

I was seriously about to email the screenshot of the model to Chuck and say “It’s good to see a pale girl in Playboy!” before I saw that apparently, it is still considered ugly or gross to be pale and skinny after all…

And for the record, I am aware how silly this may sound (normally, it’s good to see a curvy model in most magazines, etc), but it just goes to show you how there are always two sides to every coin. If people could only think twice about being so critical!

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I can’t decide…

…if I want to go to my high school reunion in DC or not (ugh, has it really been 10 years?!) High school wasn’t the happiest time for me, so a part of me really doesn’t want to revisit anything about it.

On the other hand, there is another part of me that is curious and perhaps seeking some sort of redemption from those days. I’m not sure redemption is the right word… but I’m just a different person now. Perhaps I can assume all my classmates are, too? I can’t pretend I didn’t learn anything during those years – academically, socially, and personally.

Could give me something to do at least! And there is a handful of girls I wouldn’t mind seeing again.